Find MORE through LESS

My dear „in between“.

We’re not done with each other for the time being: you keep popping up in my mind, you keep entering my dreams, giving me hints on what & where to look for. I knew I will (painfully love & ) enjoy this ride from that very moment it became clear to me: there is a huge wall in front of me, which I should not keep trying to break down, but find MY door through it with patience and compassion instead. I was very right on this: I thrive on these experiences I am observing ever since. They are a beautiful mixture of relief, joy, acknowledgments, pain, open-end questions, which make me feel alive, again. I can FEEL things and hold space for these feelings. It is a gift – something I am very grateful for.

I can literally feel the swings in my energy houshold, being at ease with myself and being healthy-productive for a while, then being undeniably tired and „off“ for a couple hours, needing a lot of sleep and quite „nothingness“ around. And the key is: I can allow it to happen. I can let myself float through the states, use the energy I have and not beat myself up for the one that I don’t. It feels easier than ever before to let it happen. Let it guide me. There is this trust in the air… That if I can just feel my feelings, fell the way I can in the moment – it will pass eventually. It always does. Good and bad, they all pass.

I do know that they do. I do know, that I can’t control (all of) my experiences, better said the lessons I’m being given that form my experiences. But between the knowing and the surrendering – the cognitive concepts and the living of something. There is a long way to go for some of us – including me. That being said, every time I can let it happen, let my feelings be and do what they are supposed to do, it is like tasting heaven.

And this is where the learnings happen(ed): I have a very intense relationsship with life transitions and I still have strong resentments towards them, because I got stuck in those changes many times before. I knew that they are inevitable and important, I recognised them happening but I could not surrender to them – thus got myself hanging in there a lot longer, then I should have. And hanging in the ropes does not feel good, y’all. It was and apparently still is a huge challenge for me: letting go of the urge to control life, control the eventualities, the outcomes, the impacts. The ego, the mind, the fear do a great job advocating control. Painting all kinds of scenarios in your head how things might turn out in the course of the process and making you belive: there is one favourable outcome among them. One you should strive for. One you should hold onto. If you belive these thoughts, you become a maniac – you screen your self and your place in the process and you constantly hear to voices in your head: it should go down this very specific way. Aren’t you there yet, can’t you keep the position: you’re failing. You are losing the steer. You should do something, correct something, influence the course. Influence all the people involved in your storyline to act according to your plan. It is crazily tiring, draining and gosh… most of all: unnecessary.

Because you can’t do it. You can’t and you shouldn’t. There is no should in life – it is an illusion. There is just ‚what is‘. What can be, might be – maybe there is a „supposed to be“, but even that is rather vague: that is something we only understand afterwards, looking at the big picture of the course of our lives. And to be honest: „supposed to be“ can only be seen as such, if you let life happen and show you where it takes you next. If you push it or conquer it, you might never feel at ease with the destinations and you will hardly be able to said: it all came out at the end, how it was supposed to be. No peace is found in controlling and supervising fate.

So, here I am, still having big feelings about change, still resisting big waves of it, because I still do not trust myself and my life enough, to let them do their thing. To let them do me, form me, guide me. I am not the captain – although I am the captain of my reactions, my faith, my attitude. But not of the external lessons life serves me to work on them. There is still a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of trust to gain in myself: I can live with that. I can hold the space for the uncertain and that is the only way it was meant to be.

At some point in my life before, I knew my marriege was over. That the time came, that we needed to move on. It was the warm inner knowing, the intuition, the depper voice. What I did though, was to fight the knowing for as long as it almost broke me and the loved ones around me. I did not want to feel what I felt, did not want to learn what I was supposed to. So I did my very best (?) to regain control and turn the table around, as I thought it should be. It took me years of trying. And I failed eventually, as I was supposed to. But it was a bitter dance with the wolves, one that cost me / us a lot more pain, tears and faith than I could verify.

I had very similar patterns around big decisions all the time: I saw myself standing at a crossroad with possible changes so overwhelming that I froze. I got stuck in the space not being able to move away from what wasn’t serving me / us anymore, but I also couldn’t move towards the new, the unknown, which could have showed me something different, something better. I froze during private and work-related phases, I freeze making decisions all the time. From big to small, from moving appartments to chosing the rind kind of tomatoes in the store. IF I hit my rock bottom, I am eventually able to move myself into a certain direction. But, the foreplay (you know, hanging in the ropes…) is usually way to long and draining; and even if I move, I do it like a born cancer does. I take a step forward, two steps back. Three forward, another one back.

I find my hesitance, my considering-all-the-options & optimizing-the-shit-out-of-them-mind really annoying and tiring sometimes. And because I know its ways too well, changes scare me: not for being what they are. But because of my reactions to them. I hate being stuck inside, I hate the freezing, I hate the constant optimazition inside my head.

So what do I do now? Well. Accept WHAT IS: changes are real, changes will never stop happening. Pushing against them does not help anyone feel more rooted, more fulfilled, more alive. Moving with them can teach us something (new insights, skills, people…) & can help us grow. I still have issues leaning in them. Managing my fear around changing circumstances. Parts of me still desire control out of fear – that makes me rigid, uneasy and restless. And I am very often standing in my own way.

So I’ll accept this and will practise breathing, letting go, staying in my physical experience and intuition rather then in my mind – as often as possible. Practise and consistency are key, the only one eventually.