Find MORE through LESS

Let’s cut to the chase this time: right now I really don’t like being there. In that transformative, ever-necessary, powerful – but sometimes simply paralyzing, tiring, scaring phase every change holds in our lives: somewhere in between…

I cherish change. I advocate change. I fight for change. I am change. But right now, I really feel like I can’t take any more of it: I can’t bend myself any further, I can’t hold that space any longer. One of the most valuable things I realized the last couple days: I now rather resist this – or at least some of these- in-between(s). And that is GOOD, to start with. Why is that?

I was lucky enough to get to know people in my life, who made me question one stubborn belief of ours very early: the avoidance / fear / denial of change at costs one should never pay. I love the fact, that life put me in those situations at a rather young age: I lost a lot of blood, hope and energy in the lessons but it made me KNOW one thing unquestionably: denying, resisting change by definition makes people become stiff – and stiff stuff (including people) tend to break. Period. I lost a lot learning the lesson myself – a marrige, a family, a home, a vision of the future. But I think I’ve lost less than those around me, who -after EVERYTHING changing around us- still denied the very same change & tried to stay the same. Stay where they stood before. See only what they could see before. Believe only what they believed before. Maybe they didn’t loose soon & obviously what I believe they did eventually: their chances to learn, heal, grow, adapt, to find another version of themselves, trying to take a turn on life differently.

So, that being sad: I’ve been walking around this place knowing, remembering and preaching: change is inevitable. Change is here to show us what we need to see right now, what we’re supposed to learn right now. To train us in sorting out our must-haves & maybes; learning to let go of what doesn’t serve us anymore. Change HURTS. Always. Sometimes it is a subtle pain, inconvenience, loss of „efficiency“. But boy, some times it is excruciating, bone-braking, a bloody bitch. We are growing – as children it can hurt physically. As „grown-ups“ it switches to challenge us internally – emotionally. Sometimes I wish I could revert and rather scratch it, press it, peel it away- whatever, just make the internal sensation become something I can address as an outer experience.

So, I acknowledge change. I understand its importance. I value it. I usually recognize it for what it is, and most of the time I have a balanced relationship with it. Some „stuff“ I can’t happily let go, not as fast as I maybe should. But I never said I am not stubborn at all and have it all figured out 🙂

This time, there is something very different happening: I think I hit a rock bottom, a critical level of changing material in my own personal universe. For the first time my BODY delivered the red flags, the sensations, that my mind & soul can’t translate to me soon enough: I am „overloaded with change“ and I really lost myself navigating all the different challenges I found myself in. I couldn’t feel it, I couldn’t yet recognize it – so my system pulled out another bunny out of the hat: and made me sense it. By losing sleep, shaking, becoming restless, switching between no-blood-pressure & a racing heart between seconds, having NO (seriously, nada!) energy for even getting out of bed. I almost accepted these very new ways of being, until it hit me: WHOAH, this is new. This is very different and it does NOT feel good – what am I missing here? And there it was: the moment I realized, I am full. I have enough of things I can’t seem to process right now. My body says ENOUGH. So maybe it is time my mouth does the same and reminds my mind as well: ENOUGH.

So, I DO resist change and it’s in-betweens now. Not ALL of them, not by definition. But the situation got „bad enough“ for me to finally see it: sometimes it’s not only about the theoretical (dis)agreement on change being helpful & necessary, but we MUST constantly monitor how much of it we can handle at the very same time. It is not glorious to loose our sanity & health on advocating change always being transformative & helpful. To push ourselves further under water saying: you know change is not your enemy, it holds new chances, it always teaches you something. It will do so this time as well. But maybe you have drowned yourself by then.

As always, very thin lines here between resentment, denial and having our own backs with a good sense of what we can bear. But boy, I feel like I dropped wheights from my shoulders almost as heavy as the mountains that whitnessed my „awakening“. I change, I move, I am becoming – and I hit my limits and want to draw a line here.

I resent the package and it is a gift. Because I got the chance to take a closer look at it: what’s in there actually.? What do I want to keep (working on), which parts feel „fit“, where can I see myself go and where not. It’s BEAUTIFUL. Liberating and wholesome. It’s going to be a healing process from now on, but I already love the baseline of it: reflecting on what we WANT and what we DON’T want IS at least as important as surrendering to the necessary changes.

This. and Not.this.

I whish I could ask myself these questions more frequently – and challenge my reactions to life: is this change aligned with the big picture, MY big picture? Is it really mine to go through? Do I see the big picture in front of me? Do I have a vision where I’d love to go to? Can the very next step actually find me or am I accepting to much change / insecurities / in-betweens from others that keep me distracted from where I whish to go?

I love this. Love these questions. Love the answers I am already discovering to them. Love the reactions these answers cause in me – in my mind, soul and body. I AM SITTING HERE doing what I want & love most. If that is not a good enough first answer, I don’t know what is ❤