Find MORE through LESS

„Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.“

Eckhart Tolle

Feel.it.all.

It’s been a long time. Again… I could defend myself admitting that I really need to unplug to find my motivation for writing. But this whole sentence would be plain wrong and also, sadly, a lie. I do not need to defend myself against anybody or anything, other than myself – maybe – for letting ME down. I also shouldn’t need motivation to do something I long for, I thrive on, I geniually wish to be MY way of living: writing. And I seriously am disappointed to recognize, how life around me got „too much“ again, so that I chase that vanishing state of being unplugged. Again.

So, let’s get to it.

I am struggling. I am drowning. I am flailing. I am overloaded. I am overwhelmed. I am full. I am empty. I am here, but I have also never been further away from here, on the inside. I am respiring, but I can’t breath. I am visible, but I can’t see myself being ME. I might never felt so restless, so nervous, unsettled, anxious. I thought I’ve already been there, but… Never before did I experience physical signs of it: having a nervously pounding heart; not being able to just BE, sit, lie for a minute. Not being able to be part of ANY situation, holding space for ANY feeling longer than a few seconds. Not finding any rest during day & night, not being able to let my guards down and just BE. Wherever I am, whatever I live through, whoever is there or not there with me. It feels like I am existing. But not living. And it’s been going on for a while. Till that day, about a week ago, I recognized it…

I KNOW how this works, I know how the process looks like. Going through life, it always comes down to these most basic – but sometimes the most difficult – principles. First we need to recognize IT, see it, in order to be able to feel it. FEEL it, hold it, let it be. Let it present itself, its message, its lessons, blessings. Then, and only then we get to the stage of doing, of acting upon it, with it, according to it, sometimes „against“ it. And if we did learn the lesson, if we did hear the message, if we chose our doing „right“ – the messenger, the IT can resolve. And we can evolve. We do evolve. We keep being and becoming.

It is a blessing itself, once we finally SEE something in or around us, that has been taking its toll on our lives for a while – whitout being recognized for what its been doing. I always find magic in these moments, feel that cathartic power, the relief, the humbelness it contains. It also feels like a rebirth sometimes. As if I’ve been down for a while and emotional shockwave suddenly reanimates & recalibrates my whole system within that moment. A reset. A breath that finally filles you up with air, energy and sight: „Ah, there you are“… THERE. YOU. ARE.

Now I see you. Now I KNOW, that you are: hello and welcome. Let us get to know each other. You came to teach me something, so I want to know what you are. I want to sit with you. I want to feel you. I am still not (not yet) good at feeling hard feelings, letting them be what they are: FEELINGS to be feeled. And let go. But I am thrilled, THAT you are here and I finally recognized it. I was loosing it completely, I felt so restless and driven. I ate, I drank, I smoked, I rushed, I spent, I bought so much stuff like never before, I planned life to the smallest details – but the very tense way, not the delightful one, I tried – once again – to control everybody and everything around me to keep my sanity. Because I could feel that something beneath the surface was oddly off. Out of synch. Discordant. But I felt so weak, so small while IT felt so big and so powerful… That I couldn’t LOOK AT IT.

I tried to numb it, hide it, argue it away, lessen its influence and significance on me. I kind of played dead for it to pass by. As if I hadn’t known, how the game works. How it WILL NOT fade / move / lessen itself until I do the only thing I should: LOOK AT IT. See it. Feel it. All.

I love the mystery how life guides us towards what we need next to thrive. Abour 2 years ago, I read a peace of the lovely dariadaria (Madeleine Darya Alizadeh) in which she praised a book written by Glennon Doyle: Untamed. Since that day on, I kept discovering my wisest, kindest, most influential, most amazing female friends / role models / guiding angels one after another. Glennon was just the beginning, leading me to a pack of amazing women who had my back in my darkest hours and more importantly, constanly building up my hope and confidence to BE me, DO me, BECOMING me and LIVING my life on my terms. So many times I heard / read things like that without making a real impact on me, helping me really do things differently and change my ways. But something has beend very different in these past two years and I simply LOVE my „f*ck-ass-inspiring-women-pack“ and their impacts on me.

But, to make my point. A couple days after having my cathartic moment of recognition: THERE IS a f*cking elephant in the room I’m trying to avoid & it is time for me to face it; I find myself in the mountains / woods with my favourite person for 2 beautiful days (thus UNPLUGGED, y’all… ) and there is ONE book I intuitively take off my bookshelf and start rereading again: Glennon, it is. Again ❤

And than I open the book randomly to START with the chapter Feel… Let’s not get to fatalistic, but what kind of fun is this…? The words met me exactly where I needed to be met:

„I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thougth that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring…

That daysm I began returning to myself… when a kind woman revealed to me that being fully human is not about being happy, it’s about feeling everything…

First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising…

There is no glory except straigth through your story.

Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. Having such little faith in myself that I numb or hide or consume my way out of my fiery feelings again and again. So my goal is to stop abandoning myself – and stay.“

Glennon Doyle – Untamed. Chapter FEEL.

So. We AGREE on this so very much, Glennon. I KNOW this. I just „forgot“ this. I got more scared – again – to hold what needs to be hold, so I hid, I ran, I tried to play it out the old way. Once the pattern, seems likie always the threat of repeating the pattern. To numb IT instead of feeling IT.

But, unlike the times before, I am NOT going to beat myself up for „failing“ again. For felling on my face again. For „being here in the foxhole again“. I used to hate myself into getting better again. Hate myself more and more every time I „failed“, I fell, I din’t have it together. NOTHING good comes from the place of hatred, punishment, self-loathing. Trying to hate yourself into being a better – kinder – wiser version of yourself. So I will stay humble this time, I will practice acceptance, kindness, understanding, patience, LOVE. Like I’ve been receiving and leraning the last couple years – I am loveable, I am worthy. I am okay, I am enough. I am hurting, struggling but I will get through this, I will hold the pain, I will hold myself and I WILL survive. I will heal, I will learn, I will stand and I will keep becoming.

Welcome back, girl. Let’s get to it ❤